Breaking News - Washington DC – Pelosi Announces Cheney and Bush to Step Down!

Breaking News - Washington DC – Pelosi Announces Cheney and Bush to Step Down!

Associated Press -April 23, 2008-

Washington, DC – After extensive secret negotiations conducted by Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi and Judiciary Committee Chairman, John Conyers with Vice President Cheney and President Bush; Madam Speaker has just announced to the Congress that as the Yoo hearings could not be avoided any other way, and most certainly would have resulted in distracting Impeachment hearings and convictions, that would have possibly been interpreted as being both vindictive and a ploy to set back the growing popularity of the McCain campaign; that the President and Vice President have chosen to resign effective immediately.

When queried about the line of Presidential and Vice Presidential succession; Ms. Pelosi indicated that sufficient precedent existed from the Nixon years to manage the situation. Mr. Cheney will resign an hour before President Bush who will appoint a successor Vice President, former Head of The Department of Homeland Security, Tom Ridge of Pennsylvania.

Ms. Pelosi further indicated to the press that to avoid any sense of a “coup” on her part, that she would not be stepping up to the Presidency, nor would Mr. Ridge who is “only marginally qualified” to be a short-term-interim Vice President, and that a new novel approach would be taken based upon the concept that the President is in reality, or should be viewed and function, as the CEO of the American Government, a proven problem solver and manager.

Therefore she announced to the Congress just minutes ago that the office of President of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of April 25, 2008.

The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and related overhead that his office has incurred during the last seven years. It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the President's term. "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA). "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Reynolds noted.

Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this morning of his termination and the acceptance of the negotiated agreements by the other House and Senate leadership, Principally Steny Hoyer and Senate leader Harry Reid.

Speaker Pelosi revealed that preparations for the job move have been underway for some time and it was the only sensible way to keep Impeachment off the table. “Things were getting bleak with all the impending investigations and revelations of late and: “I had to find some way to stop the information hemorrhaging that has been taking place.”

“It was getting so bad that all our friends in the press could not ignore it or bury it. I mean it was just out there for anyone to see.”

Prodded about the fact that the decisions would keep her out of the line of succession to the White House Pelosi responded: “I have never coveted the White House, unlike other women we know and quite frankly the job is a real killer and just ages the hell out of you. I don’t need that. Then there is the question of all the financial investigations you have to go through and placing all of your investments in a blind trust; that’s not for me and my husband. We have worked too hard to build up our California financial Empire to put it at risk, and anyway he would have remained in San Francisco working on his projects. It was just not a good fit for us and I’m happy just running the Democrat Party. Enough of that let’s get back to the details of the next few days.”

“ Gurvinder Singh of Indus Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the office of President as of April 25, 2008. Mr. Singh was born in the United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits. Remember this is not a long term arrangement, just an interim measure.”

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. Due to the time difference between the US and India, he will be working primarily at night. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer call center," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always hoped I would be President."

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should not be a problem as President Bush had never been familiar with the issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issue at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the spokesperson. "President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about."

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower, Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job transition.

Ms. Pelosi, in speaking to Mr. Bush’s future stated: “I am sure he will do well and be taken care of by his friends. As you know there are a lot of people and corporations who owe him a lot. I’m sure he can hire a ghost writer to write his memoirs and make a bundle off that book. All he’ll have to do is tape record his recollections and I’m sure that Mr. Cheney and Karl Rove will be willing to serve as editors and advisers, especially when it comes to documented references and all of that kind of stuff.

Maybe he’ll buy another baseball team or be a consultant to one of the oil or arms companies. I really think he’ll some time off and just cut brush in Crawford to unwind for awhile and wander downtown for an occasional burger. And Cheney…I’m sure he’ll go back on the Halliburton payroll.

According to Manpower, (there assessment is not as optimistic as the Speaker’s), Mr. Bush may have difficulties in securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience during his lifetime. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested if that cannot place him with FOX News as an expert political commentator.

Ms. Pelosi was questioned extensively about what she thought the American would think of the move and how she expected people to react to the news.

“Oh, I suspect there will be a few days of shock and a lot of concern stirred up by all the media nonsense pundits but I’ll clean all that up with Timmy Russert on Sunday. This is really nothing more another fine example of how the American system can swing into action when there is a need to transfer power in an orderly fashion.

I expect that I will be in for a few days of blogger bludgeoning over not impeaching everybody and their relatives and shipping them off to stand trial for war crimes and all that kind of stuff, but I’m used to that. My two “pacific pinko throw- back hippy type” opponents will run around squealing and blogging all over cyber space, and that’s OK with me. My voters aren’t into that scene. They use their computers for booking trips, checking their investments, playing games and ahhh, other diversions.

The question was asked regarding the disposition of other administration figures in the news recently. Ms. Pelosi’s response was: “I think George and his lawyers will be hard at work the next 24 hours crafting some pretty sweeping pardons to tie up all the loose ends. That’s the way things are done around here, and I don’t think that, that is all bad. We all make mistakes and I sought out good counsel before moving on this matter. I talked it over with my Dear friend The Dali Lama and more recently with Pope Benedict and they both emphasized compassion and forgiveness.”

The speaker went on to say: “The American people need not be concerned about the war in Iraq continuing and the well being of our service men and women. The war will continue and we will honor our commitment to Iraqi democracy and I have seen to it that funding will not be an issue in the election cycle. We have to focus on the economy and I will be proposing a number of measures that are Roosevelt like, sort of new economic measures and mechanisms for our “New Age” program.

Asked about the 2008 elections, Pelosi responding: “I am really excited at the prospect of taking back the White House and full control of the House and Senate. We can really move on my programs then! I just wish this Clinton/Obama thing was over. I don’t like loose ends; they get frayed. We have to get busy addressing the needs of the people and defining how McCain is living in the past and how he is a war monger. Hell, any minute now he’ll start blithering about obliterating Iran. That’s just dumb!”

When the questioning turned to the impact of all the campaign charges the two have hurled at one another, Pelosi dismissed the importance of “campaign rhetoric” is this way: “We need to address health care issues and I don’t think the people will hold Hillary’s screw up on that one during Bill’s Presidency against her. She learned from that experience, and I don’t think the people will hold Barack’s minister’s extremist rantings against him, after all we aren’t hold George responsible for all the things Cheney and Rumsfeld have said…and done. We need to make this party “look” united and get on with it.”

I have to now. We have make arrangements for the Ridge swearing in and bringing Mr. Singh home for his swearing in and Oval Office Photo Op. So much to do today, so much history to make. Damn I almost forgot we have to clean up that retired officer Media Pundit scam in the next few days before I go on “talking Heads” shows on Sunday. I think I can handle that easily. That just “looks” so bad. Just tell American everything will be all right and as soon as the elections are over. Everything will be back to normal and business as usual here in Washington. You can take that to the bank!

Damn That Was A Great Dream!

“Anarchism is founded on the observation that since few men are wise
enough to rule themselves, even fewer are wise enough to rule others.”
- Edward Abbey-

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